3 Tips to Help You Get Over A Bad Relationship When Starting a New One

Relationships can be hard, can't they?

Finding the ideal partner is hard enough for a start! Finding someone you want to invest your time into, spend your forseeable future with, build a life with- you've got to make sure you find the right guy or girl! But then there's other problems to overcome- small fights, big fights, making compromises, insecurities to get over, anxieties, disagreements and everything in between.

Do you know what makes all of this 10 times harder?

Coming from a bad relationship into a good one. 

It's no secret that almost two years ago, I was coming out of a toxic and abusive six year relationship that absolutely destroyed me. It affected me so badly in fact, that I vowed never to have a relationship again. I wouldn't let anyone in again, I wouldn't bother to invest time or effort, or any part of myself into another person ever again. I didn't want to go through the heartbreak, the pain, the hurt. I was struggling so much that I knew when I eventually got over it- if I ever got over it- I would never be strong enough to go through it a second time. So, easy way out was just to steer clear of boys, love and serious relationships forever more. I'd be like that meme floating around on social media, the glamorous single aunty that showed up at family affairs slightly drunk with lavish gifts for everyone. I'd be a bit like Samantha from SITC (I think I've posted about that before...) and you know what? I was totally okay with that.

Until I met my current boyfriend. For the first time in almost two years I found someone that I wanted to be with. I wanted to share my life with this guy, put in the effort and the time for this guy, open up to him and let him get to know me. And guess what the best part about it was? He wasn't a total asshole!

"You only really get over somebody when you find somebody else you care about more"

You know what did suck?

I couldn't forget my bad relationship.

And I don't mean that as if to say I wasn't over my ex- because believe me, I completely was.

No, it was the fact that I was so used to being treated like crap, to being with a man that couldn't prioritise me, put me first, give me the love and attention that I deserved and treat me right...so much so that whenever this new guy treated me in the exact way I wanted and deserved to be, I freaked out. I had no idea how to react, how to take it, how to respond. My mind just couldn't process it! I actually tried to cut him off multiple times because I just didn't think I could deal with dating, let alone a relationship again. I had a break down at work, I had so many panicked phone calls to my girlfriends and my sister- I was an absolute mess with no idea how to process the feeling of falling in love again. I needed constant support from my closest girlfriends to help me through, and somehow I managed to do it. And guess what? It's perfect.

I'm not saying it's easy. I freak out all the time that suddenly he might change, become everything I don't want him to be, hurt me the way I expect to be hurt. And he doesn't deserve that! To be honest, neither do I. We both deserve nothing but blissful happiness and comfortability with each other, and that's what I work towards giving him every single day.

"You can't have a proper relationship until you've had your heart broken"

Now I know I'm not the only girl to go through this- not only because I receive messages about getting over toxic partners and getting into new relationships on almost a weekly basis, but also because I see it online all the time too! No one wants to ruin a perfect, new relationship with memories of a previous, toxic one. So, what can you do to make sure this doesn't happen?

Take things slow

I can't stress this enough. Taking your time is so important. If it takes days, weeks, months or longer for your to be comfortable in a new relationship with someone, so be it! The right person will accept that and wait for with you. There is no shame in waiting to make things official, waiting to make the next move, take the next step. Go at a pace that you're comfortable with and you'll find it so much easier. If you rush into things, you might find yourself falling into bad habits, worrying about moving too quickly and a whole multitude of other things. Take as much time as you need and hopefully if your partner truly loves and cares about you, they'll respect the time and space you need and go at the pace that you're happy with.

Explain things fully to your partner

Or, at least in as much detail as you're comfortable with if you don't want to open up fully about your past experiences. You can expect your partner to be patient with you and understanding without an explanation but there's no denying that communication is key in any kind of relationship, and things will be easier for the both of you if you share even some detail on why you struggle with relationships, opening up, trusting etc. etc. Don't feel scared, embarrassed or ashamed, because your partner will (hopefully!) listen to you, reassure you and then take your feelings on board which will help them to understand your struggles. It will make everything a whole lot easier. It will also allow your partner the chance to be a little more conscientious about your feelings and the way they treat you. Do you panic when you don't hear from your partner for a whole day because your previous partner was unloyal? Opening up to your partner about this might encourage them to make sure they send you a text or two throughout the day, to make you feel more comfortable. It's as simple as that, but a little goes a long way.

Remember that your current partner is not your ex

This point is probably the most important one of all- but also, the most difficult. Your ex probably did some really terrible things to you. They may have dragged you through hell and back, time and time again. But guess what? Your current partner is not your ex. They aren't going to do the same things, and it's not fair to you or your partner for you to assume that they're going to hurt you in exactly the same way. It will cause you to feel automatically insecure without having any real reason to which will then cause feuds and arguments that are just unneccessary. Insecurities and doubts breed unhappiness so try not to implant them in your relationship from the get go just because of how you've been treated in the past. Easier said than done I know, but try to do this as best you can.

I'm incredibly lucky to have found a new guy who respects what I've been through and what kind of headspace I'm at and lets me take things at exactly the pace I need to. He understands that I panic and have mini breakdowns when I think about long term commitment and that it's not to do with him or anything he's done and I couldn't appreciate that more. That's the kind of person everyone deserves to be with. Everyone deserves to be blissfully happy in the end. Life is too short to feel anything other than that.

Love from,
Florence Grace