Another weight update

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TW: This post contains material relating to weight loss, weight gain and eating disorders. 


Today I went to the doctors to pick up my next prescription of contraceptive pills. As per the norm, they made me weigh myself on the scales and made note of my height. This is a process that I absolutely despise, because no matter how my weight has changed since the previous visit, I'm always told that I'm 'overweight'. I expected much the same today, and was surprised not to receive it. 

What I received was, in fact, worse. 

Despite having lost weight since my last visit, and having remained the same height as the last visit, I had somehow been moved up into the 'obese' category. Obese! Obese! I genuinely couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was being told that I had lost weight but that I had gone up a weight category according to the BMI charts provided by the NHS- how the heck is that possible?! I was even told that if I didn't lose weight by the next visit, they wouldn't continue to give me my contraception, as I would be at a risk of blood clots and other serious health implications...because I'm that obese. 

I wear a size 12. In some smaller sized shops, I occasionally need a size 14 pair of jeans, and in some other shops I need a size 10. Normally though, I'm a 12. I am a size 12 and I am obese. I am absolutely blown away and struggling to get my mind around it. 



I have been eating far less than I used to recently, I have been cutting back on carbs and I have been walking an extra 5,000-7,000 steps a day, not to mention drinking more water too. I'm also waist training once a week. And it's been paying off, because I have lost weight and people have noticed. So how have I moved from overweight to obese? 

I felt awful. I didn't eat when I came back from my appointment and my mum made me salad for dinner. This is clearly just how it's going to have to be for me. No matter what I do, I don't lose weight. When I was running, once a week, nothing changed. Now, evidently nothing is changing all over again because despite making all of these changes I am now classed as obese. 

I'm mortified, too. I wanted to go home and throw up everything inside of me (which wasn't much- I only had one breakfast muffin in the last 18 hours!). When I ate dinner this evening, I felt uncomfortable and again, wanted to just be sick so I was empty. I even considered strolling down to Tesco to buy some laxatives, as I know some of my friends at school used to use them to look slimmer. All day I avoided mirrors at work because every time I saw my reflection I just saw a mutated, marshmallow lump of a girl. 

I'm disappointed, because recently I've been feeling so confident about myself, including my body. I've been wearing bralet's and crop tops, jeans in a size smaller, feeling amazing. And now this news has set me back 1,000 paces because I feel grotesque. I feel like everyone is staring at me, laughing at me. I'm not even sure what I want to wear any more because I feel as though everything clings to every little lump and bump, making me look my absolute worst. 

I have never been happy with my body, and it seems as though I never will be. Just when I feel like I'm improving, someone tells me I'm not. I'll always look like I need to lose a few pounds, I'm always going to be bigger than what is accepted as "okay" and I'm always going to be the "fat friend". 

Luckily, I've never made myself sick. I've never starved myself to any degree of the term, I've never had an eating disorder. Hopefully, this will always be the case. The only sickness I have is a feeling of hatred towards my body and how I look, and I know that's something that will never be cured. 

Love from,
Florence Grace

Like this? Why not try... Teenage Body Image: My Battle | The truth about eating disorders

Comments

  1. What Lyd Did9 June 2016 at 13:45

    The doctor gave you one label, but I have some others for you. You are strong, confident, understanding, supportive, friendly, determined, funny, and intelligent, to name a few.

    The BMI scale is nonsense, it would find someone obese if they were a bodybuilder stacked with muscle, it should be obsolete and it shouldn't get you down.

    There are plenty of alternative medicines that they could put you on, and I hope they do rather than threats to leave you with none! You are doing everything you can to maintain a HEALTHY body, and it made me feel so upset to read that the appointment left you wanting to do things to harm it.

    ReplyDelete

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